If it’s not to do with debunking statism, promoting voluntaryism, or anything to related that, then it’s most likely anything that is about myself; things about my life. There are posts that I will want to put up to spread words of encouragement and healing in the hardships we as human beings go through.

Whether or not the fun project(s) and spending time around those I’m close to help in keeping gloomy thoughts at bay, I have decided. I will post to contribute to self-healing to past full recovery of having been betrayed so badly by someone I used to be in a deep relationship with. This may also help provide a catharthsis for others who have recently experienced and/or are recovering from. Because, why not? It feels good to help others, and especially inspire them.

As of now, I haven’t been feeling gloomy or sad over what had been a painful break-up for over three months. Which is pretty great. I’ve returned to an old hobby of mine that may help me past the point of recovery; story writing. (I plan to go over what my complicated story is about for another post, probably on my official voluntaryist blog since part of the plot has got anarchist characters in it.)

I’ve thought little of my ex lately. Only once in a while, I manage to say a hello or something positive to him. We’re just friends now, but not nearly as close as we used to be. I wouldn’t mind becoming better friends with him one day. As of now, I only trust him just above the bare minimum… He’s another voluntaryist, and he was never mean or harsh to me to begin with. I’m stating that right now. In fact, he’s been one of the few big-time content creators on YouTube who helped me some in realizing and understanding why no “government” is the way to be in an actual civilized human society.

I’m not revealing his actual online alias. I’m only going to refer to my ex as Zee, a name that’s not related to what his YT (and also Bitchute) screen name is. This is mainly because I don’t wish to be found out by any of the commie morons who would do anything to harm his reputation.  I don’t want to be harassed by them. Also, I only have allowed my parents and a few of my closest friends know of his actual online aliases and real first name. They wouldn’t do anything anywhere close to what would upset me. My second reason that’s just important is to have as few people as possible to know the full truth about him and me.

Zee cheated on me for a few months, before I found out from someone the two of us both had chatted with. Those old feelings of romantic affection I had for him are long gone, and I just don’t think about what had been. I’ve been done grieving about what I felt and those times when he and I had mutual understanding, respect, appreciation, and love toward one another.

Why did he cheat, and not tell me? Why was he dishonest to even mention that to me, and had wanted to be in a relationship without really thinking it over? Mainly, it’s because he’s a broken man. I found out that he grew up without having someone to look up to as a positive role model. In addition to this, his family’s dysfunctional. He’s the only anarchist in his family, and he had gone through some really terrible experiences as a kid. He has PTSD. Last but not least, he has difficulty with his own emotions and understanding the emotions of others half the time.

His own reasons for not telling me was the immense amount of shame he felt, and his emotional lapse at the time of being afraid of hurting me.

It took me a while to fully understand all those reasons, and get over him. I was so frustrated, and emotional as to why something that felt and appeared to be so good and so right could suddenly turn on its head to heartache, devastation, and betrayal. I can’t say I’m completely healed of the painful experience, but I am confident of coming close to that. I’ve been doing well overall. It’s just that I don’t think back much on what had been good times. I don’t like recalling much on what had happened during and for some time after the break-up.

I still respect Zee as a person in the most general sense, and I have expressed what support I could give when it came to everything he’s been involved with. He’s still being successful on his own, and he’s been doing some self-healing as well. I’m glad for him. I’m past feeling any frustration or resentment at him. It’s all in the past, and what’s done has been done.  I still watch his content sometimes, and I never left his Discord server. He and I just don’t talk much. We basically think well of each other and would still care about each other as friends. The old romantic feelings we each felt toward each other have faded. All the better that it did, because the both of us know that we’ll never get back together. I could never try to trust him in the same way, and he knows this.  When I came close to wanting to disassociating from him entirely, I felt upset. I even shared this to him, and we discussed that in a civil manner, without problems.

It’s been a long while since the last time I mentioned about this to anyone, anywhere. I’m telling myself that it’s okay to cry if tears do happen to come out. It’s just unpleasant memories I’d rather not focus on. Even thinking much on what good times there had been would cause me to feel sad.

I’m not ready to even try to be in a more proper romantic relationship with anyone. I haven’t met anyone who could meet the standards I have set for myself. I also think that lacking on standards of meeting someone whose background is somewhere closer to mine, to be as close to mature, respectable, understanding, appreciative, committed, and loving as I’m capable of to start a relationship in person, and keeping it in person instead of online. That’s one more major reason as to why it hadn’t worked out with Zee; the previous lacking of these standards… In addition to that, maybe for the potential guy to have a heart that’s at least somewhere close to being big enough as mine would be a huge plus.

I’ll stop right there, in going into the specifics. I’m a very sensitive when it comes to publicly sharing this subject about romance  in my life, in which I have very little experience on. I’ve been bold and brave enough to write out this much about it.

As of now, maintaining the relationships I have with my parents, my friends, and to keep on going with the part-time job I have are more important to me.

It’s to do with all that, and additionally having fun in writing out my story. Parts of it will likely be therapeutic, because there will be romance further on into the plot. One of the characters in it has gone through somewhat similar experiences I’ve gone through. I honestly look forward to how I’ll write and develop this friendship to romantic relationship between the character who’s similar to myself, and the ex-intelligence agent hacker who’s funny, sweet, and has a really big heart to be so giving and selfless to those he cares about. (More details about this story for another post!)

…This is basically what my blog will be like. I don’t want to get too personal, but I think it might help others to know that they’re not alone in their hardships, and that we all have a long ways to go in the case of developing on personal growth.

The blog name is after one of my favorite songs by the alternative band Trapt. The song is titled No Apologies. Ever since I stood up and said no as much as I had to towards another guy who had tried to take advantage of me, this song has encouraged me to know that I can live my life in peace however I want, and shouldn’t have to apologize for it. It also has resonated within me, because I am introverted. It’s a really good song. Look it up and give it a listen if you want to!

If you’re still here, then thank you. I’m glad you took the time in getting to know this side of me, and I wish you the best in your life.